Chapter Six

Cordelia stopped for a moment and closed her eyes, allowing the blackness to swirl around her. She remained still for a moment, trying to slow the pounding of her heart and figure out her surroundings.

At first there was only silence, and then she thought she heard the faint sound of a guitar. Her eyes immediately flew open, searching for the source of the music.

The tune sounded vaguely familiar, but at first she could not place it.

Then she heard a voice, one she thought she knew. She could barely hear any words. Finally, as she listened quietly, she could make out a line or two. "In your eyes, I see…. Faith in the world, and faith in me… If you believe, then it can be…."

The reassuring beat led Cordelia forward as she began patting the wall for anything to grab on to. Her inspection yielded a doorknob.

"Well, here goes nothing," Cordelia said softly, as she gripped the knob, and slowly opened the door towards her. Her curiosity getting the better of her, she peeked around the edge and let a small gasp of recognition escape.

It was the Bronze. Cordelia's eyes scanned the decrepit room. She saw the stage where she was almost killed during her sophomore year in high school. The bar where she sat to break up with Xander that first time. The Bronze had held a special spot in their lives during Cordelia's teenage years and as she entered the old building, the memories rushed towards her, unyielding in their determination to remind her of everything that she thought she had left behind.

Cordelia had no doubt that Drusilla was using this special place as a tool against her, and she refused to feel any more guilt about who she had been before.

"Sorry, Dru. Your mind tricks aren't bothering me now," Cordelia said aloud to assure herself.

"Are you sure?" a voice came from the direction of the stage. Cordelia yelped in response and turned around quickly. She almost ran when she saw the curtains move.

The only thing there was the guitar, floating unsupported in midair.

"A guitar? Since when can they talk?"

"Well, technically they can't," the voice gave up. The curtains were struck violently open, revealing the voice's source. "I wanted less dramatic," he continued as he grabbed the guitar floating in front of him, "but I was outvoted by Dru." He paused thoughtfully, then corrected, "Didn't get a vote, actually."

"Oz?! Is that really you? How did you…. how could you?"

"I didn't have much of a choice. And it's not *really* me, in the normal sense. Just a projection, so to speak."

"Mmm, okay. I'll let that go. But I'm a bit confused on why you're here. I understand that Drusilla sent you to block my way or whatever, but why you?"

Oz strummed the guitar for a moment, not answering.

"Hey, you met Doyle. You even liked him, I think. You should be on my side, not with Dru."

Oz remained silent.

"According to Xander, you and Willow aren't together anymore, she's exploring her lesbian side, and you left Sunnydale, probably forever. So, if you're not here to help me, then why show up here at all?" Cordelia demanded, folding her hands across her chest.

Oz glanced up at her a moment, then dropped his head down to his guitar, and continued fiddling with the strings. Cordelia had seen the hurt on his face and felt a flash of guilt. "Oz," she began.

Oz looked up. "It's all right. She's happy. I was afraid she never would be after what I did to her. But I'm happy for her. She deserves everything good that comes her way." Oz paused for a second and took a deep breath. "But now, Cordelia, we have to get on with it. I wasn't sent here to chat with you. I was sent here to take something from you. Understand?"

Cordelia squared her shoulders and thought of Doyle. He had been so embarrassed when she told him about what he'd called Oz. A smile touched her face at the memory, and then she broke off from her thoughts and looked squarely at Oz. "Yes. I understand. What do you want?"

Oz gazed at Cordelia.

"Remember when we went to the factory to find Willow and Xander?" Oz began. He saw Cordelia's eyes flicker and watched as she drew in a sharp breath. Her hand unconsciously traveled to her abdomen, tracing the scar.

"What about it?" Cordelia challenged back.

"A part of yourself died there, didn't it?" Oz looked at Cordelia for confirmation.

Cordelia's silence was his answer.

Oz continued on. "You were always the tough one, the one who didn't feel a thing, for Xander or for anyone."

"Yeah, so?"

Oz gave a short laugh. "You convinced yourself, didn't you Cordelia? You told yourself there was no possible way that Cordelia Chase, meanest girl in Sunnydale history, could ever love a loser like Xander Harris." Abruptly, he struck one of the guitar strings, making a discordant sound. "Wrong!"

"No," Cordelia moaned, trying to block her ears against the noise ... and his words.

"When you began dating him, you were a little wary at first. You knew that there was always a chance that he would wake up and realize that his best friend, who was smart, and sweet, and much nicer than you, was in love with him."

"I wasn't afraid that Willow would take him. She wasn't right for him."

Oz raised his eyebrow but refused to comment. "So you were grateful when I came along. You believed I took whatever chance Xander and Willow had together and broke it. I thought the same thing."

Cordelia looked at him in surprise. She had never told him, never told anyone for that matter, how grateful she was when Oz and Willow began dating.

"It was irritating at first," Cordelia admitted. "But after awhile he realized you guys were solid. That you weren't going to eat her or something evil like it."

"You let yourself slip, Cordelia." Oz said mockingly.

"I did what?"

"You did the one thing you never wanted to do. You gave up your trust and innocence to him. You believed Xander would never hurt you. And you would never hurt him. An equal trade you might put it."

"I - you - what - " Cordelia sputtered.

"Of course, you both lost in that bargain." Oz stated matter-of-factly. "He hurt you by kissing Willow, and you hurt him by denying him any part of you."

"He didn't deserve me."

Oz let the comment slide for the moment, but a wolflike gleam in his eye told her that it would not be forgotten. "And you, Cordelia, lost the innocence of never knowing how much it hurt when the man you loved did something to you that he could never take back."

Cordelia stared at him in shock. She had never told anyone that she had maybe felt the "L" word with Xander. It was something she had struggled with after the fall. But like most everything else, Cordelia had buried it inside with a "Do Not Disturb - Ever" sign.

She hid the pain well. But not well enough.

Cordelia thought for a moment. She shouldn't have to defend her position! It was her decision. And she certainly did not have to answer to anyone else. Especially not to a pushy werewolf.

Cordelia glared at the short musician. "Thanks for bringing me up to speed on my life, although having lived it, I'd say the visual was way better. Now tell me what the hell you want before I smash your guitar!" Cordelia's voice practically screamed the last word.

Oz's eyes widened as her gesture drew his gaze to the guitar. Then, with a smirk, he strummed the opening chords of a familiar song.

"You must give up your trust and innocence, which you have rebuilt from the ground up. And again it is because of the man you love." Oz stopped his strumming and flipped his hand over to the bar where a cloud appeared. Cordelia looked at the cloud and saw herself lying in a hospital bed, Doyle and Wesley hovering over her. Doyle glanced over in her direction. Oz flipped his hand again and the image faded. His voice broke through. "But you're not ready yet."

"What the hell do you mean? I just had my heart ripped open. I think that's enough. What do you think?" Cordelia asked.

Oz's eyes flashed yellow then settled back to their normal deep green. "Nope." He went back to strumming the song. And Cordelia remembered where she had heard it.

Way back when, Cordelia Chase dated Devon, the lead singer of Oz's band. In the middle of the relationship he had written a song for her about losing himself in her innocence. It was this song that Oz played.

"Devon told you that he wrote this song for you, didn't he?" Oz interrupted her thoughts.

Cordelia nodded.

"Yep. Told that to all the girls. I actually wrote it. Probably told you that you had the voice of an angel as well, and that you should sing it with the band."

Cordelia tried not to look surprised as she answered. "Yes, as a matter of fact, he did."

"You also felt that you could sing. Still believe you can." Oz paused the strumming and looked down at where she stood. "Is that how he got it, Cordelia? By telling you that you could sing?"

Cordelia realized what Oz was leading into. "None of your damn business, and he didn't get … well, I told him that he could only after…. Why am I telling you this? You're not even real."

"If that's the case, then I'd really hate to hear you sing. Devon lied about a lot of things. Especially when it came to love. And girls. And especially sex."

"I don't care about Devon."

"But you claim to care about Doyle." Mockingly, Oz offered her the microphone that had suddenly appeared in his hand. "Would you sing for him?"

"Why?"

Oz ignored the question. "Do you remember the song?" And he sang a few words again, softly.

"In your eyes, I see…. Faith in the world, and faith in me… If you believe, then it can be…."

Slowly, without intending to do it, she found herself singing along. She heard her own voice, and then she glanced at Oz.

He was laughing at her.

"You sound like a dying cow," he taunted her.

"Who are you to talk? You're not even human," she snapped.

"That still matters to you, doesn't it? Funny thing. You thought you could learn to love Doyle, didn't you?"

"Yes."

"But you two never did it, did you? He thought you were an innocent princess." Oz stared at her cruelly. "Guess he was wrong, huh? Guess he didn't know you still thought you were too good for him."

"Go to hell!" Cordelia shouted.

"We're already there!" Oz yelled back. "Open your eyes. Don't you know you made your life the way it was? Your life. Your death. Your choice."

Cordelia paused. Then she sprang. Running towards Oz at full speed, Cordelia let out an inhuman cry. She bounded up the stage ready to face him.

Oz threw down his guitar and covered his face, attempting to protect himself. After a few moments, he appeared to realize that Cordelia wasn't attacking him. He pulled his arms down and watched as she picked up the guitar, and smashed it to the floor.

"I hate you! I hate you! You did this! You did it all!" Cordelia screamed as the battered guitar beat into the Bronze stage. She picked it up and slammed it down, over and over again, until it began to split apart.

Oz watched in silence. Finally he asked, very quietly: "Who do you hate, Cordelia? It's yourself, isn't it?"

After several moments she stopped. Composing herself, Cordelia tossed the broken object away. Then she looked over at Oz.

"It doesn't matter any more," she said wearily. "Let me through. I have to get to him. Before it's too late."

Oz smiled grimly and stared around at the broken bits surrounding the two of them. "Good. You have passed through this gate. All the trust and innocence is gone."

He bent down to the broken pieces of the guitar, reached his hand inside and offered her a jagged shard of wood. Cordelia eyed it with curiosity and fear, but took it. "Go to the back door and insert this in the keyhole."

"Thanks," Cordelia said simply, staring at him for a moment. She turned around and began making her way to the door.

Oz cast his eyes down. "Good luck," he said softly. He then bent to pick up the rest of the pieces.

Cordelia reached the door and stuck the fragment of the broken guitar into the keyhole, which immediately expanded into a bright blue light.

"Wonder where the next stop on this wonderland tour is."

Cordelia walked into the light.